For me, having to accept some level of help from other people with my intimate care is perhaps the worst part of this human experience, especially because I will often feel like it’s some burdensome obligation. I am very deeply aware that this isn’t how adulthood is supposed to look like, you know? With that said, I have been trying so hard recently to become more independent, very stubbornly deciding that I will simply refuse to let my disability prevent me from fully living life. For the most part, I had been succeeding, too. I mean, just a few weeks ago, I was able to cut up one of my dinners without assistance from anyone else. Not very well or anything, but it still felt like reaching a big milestone. Every day was getting better, until I started to believe that the possibilities were endless, with the right amount of work.
Over the past week or so, however, my body has been giving up on me a lot. This isn’t something that I’ll be further discussing publicly right now, simply because it wouldn’t be good for my mental stability, though it has been heartbreaking beyond words. Learning to manage these new expectations has been far from easy — and my brain has been consumed by how cruel it feels. Disabled and chronically ill people are never allowed to get too comfortable with progress in their health. It is impossible to tell how long it will last, so any glimmer of hope can often be devastating. For the record: this is something that we are allowed to feel sad about. That doesn’t give everyone else the right to ignore the good parts of our lives, as if they don’t exist at all.
If it matters at all, I do intend to fight back. I have worked too hard at loving myself to let this ruin my belief that the future can still be bright. But in many ways, that’s not really the point. This fight can be (and is) an exhausting one. It’s not something that I was ready to work with, particularly when things were on such an upwards trajectory. I have every right to take a moment, you know? It can be important to sit with the emotional turmoil on occasion. I will not shy away from talking about the Bad Days in order to make my existence more tolerable for everyone else. Looking back, I’m proud that I can do this now, safely in the knowledge that I’m not defined by these moments. I have never had that before, so I’m absolutely not asking for sympathy. Please, though: I am so happy that the pandemic is largely getting easier and I have even braved visiting a garden centre now(!!!), but let’s not forget that this can be difficult. The world has never been entirely safe for disabled people, but that is especially true in this moment. Let’s take small steps towards better, without forgetting that this can also be associated with a lot of anxiety. Let’s be gentle with each other and not completely abandon virtual interaction. I understand that it is getting tiresome for some, but it’s also a lifeline for others, which I refuse to invalidate. Health is not a guarantee, people.
To my family, thank-you for being on my team at every appointment and offering hugs whenever they’re needed. More than usual lately, I know, but I do appreciate it.
Truly, there needs to be a radical overhaul of support services for disabled young people, which seem to be impossible to find. It would be nice to occasionally feel heard — and it would be nice to find a physiotherapist that isn’t entirely out of their depth when they have me as a patient. I deserve better, but I’m also not the only one.
PS: I look like shit right now, but MAYBE I’ll post a celebratory selfie when things are brighter. My body image issues are not welcome here. xoxo